4 Swimsuit Styles You Should Avoid this Summer
Despite the brutal snow and cold striking the US, stores are stocking their shelves with summer apparel including the dreaded Swimsuit – the article of clothing designed to attack your self-esteem by highlighting parts of your bodies best viewed in a dark room wearing sunglasses.
Finding the right swimsuit is important for both men and women.
A flattering suit equals parties, free drinks, and immediate friendships with the most notable celebrities. The wrong suit equals a tax audit.
Here is a quick guide to help you find the right swimsuit for your body type:
- (Men) Square cut Boardshorts
Having trouble picturing what this swimsuit looks like…think Daniel Craig (James Bond) in Skyfall. That’s right, the swimming shorts which look like more like the basketball shorts of the ‘70s and ‘80s. Square cut Boardshorts provide more coverage than Speedos while still leaving nothing to the imagination.
Who should wear them – Daniel Craig
Who should not – Anyone packing a spare tire. Please, don’t make your fellow beachgoers do a second take trying to decide if you are wearing shorts or not.
- (Women) Bandeau top Bikinis
Bandeau style swimsuits are bikinis with strapless tops. Tops which want to fall to the ground. (It’s their job.) Because they slide down, women who wear them fight a constant battle to remain covered by performing a modified chicken dance while shrugging their way back into their clothes.
Who should wear them – Malnourished models
Who should not – Anyone who passes the “pencil test”
- (Men) Last-decade’s Swim trucks
Swimsuit shopping for men is performed at the frequency of buying new underwear. If the band still holds and the holes aren’t big enough to reveal “the little guy”, they are good. However, the reality is that your waistband has expanded in the seasons since you first bought your suit. The effect is to push your back fat together and extending your “plumber’s crack” up to your shoulder blades.
Who should wear them – Anyone skinnier than Michael Cera
Who should not – Anyone shaped like a soft serve ice cream cone
- (Women) “Just Married” Bikini Bottoms
The concept behind (yes, a pun) this swimsuit makes no sense. It’s a regular bikini with “Just Married” written in crystals on the bottoms. Now, a woman who just promised monogamy to the man of her dream can wear a swimsuit that attracts other men to look at her ass. Huh?
Who should wear this – No one. Ever!